such a big miracle in such a tiny baby

A little over three months ago two beautiful embryos were transferred into their home away from home. We were thrilled to get the news of our three hCG blood tests confirming that we were in fact pregnant! My amazing guys are going to be Daddies!!! The next several weeks were bittersweet as we learned that one of the babies is strong and healthy and will forever have a guardian angel to watch over them. As our hearts hurt for the little one that didn't make it, our hearts remain full of joy for this little miracle that is growing and thriving within me.

My hormone levels were being closely monitored at ORM so that we could begin tapering off of the meds. Once my levels indicated that the placenta had taken over, I was able to throw the needles and suppositories out, be released from ORM and transition to my OB. My OB care for my first surrogacy journey was at Kaiser. I was so bummed to learn that Kaiser is no longer surrogacy friendly health insurance and I never thought I would find an OB that I would love as much as I love my Doctor, Amy Barnes at Kaiser. Although I am not able to continue my care with her for this pregnancy, she emails me regularly to check in on me and seeing how we are all doing. I have been so thrilled with my transition to Northwest Women's Clinic. Dr. Barrett has been absolutely amazing. Udi and Matan have been able to Skype in for each of our appointments and she takes the time to talk with all of us and really makes them a part of my appointments. When the guys shared their desire for another scan, she  immediately offered us an additional ultrasound at no cost to them to give them peace of mind that their baby is healthy and growing. The smile on Udi and Matan's face makes my heart melt every time I see this picture. 

The 1st trimester flew by despite the day and night nausea, fatigue and an extremely heightened sense of smell I had. I cannot believe that we are already in the 2nd trimester and am happy to say that the nausea is gone for the most part, I have lots of energy and feel great getting back into the gym. I have also gotten a sudden urge to organize my entire house! I'll take that as win...my husband would agree! :) There is only one food that I cannot live without...apples. They have to be cold and crisp. YUM!!! 

Had to make a pit stop on our road trip last weekend! Baby wants, baby gets! I never knew how happy an apple and a new cutting board and knife could make me!!

The one thing that we have all been looking forward to was having the guys here for the Anatomy Scan. We began to discuss dates and schedule the 20 week appointment. The window of time that would work for them combined with the flight schedule ended up with them having a very short stay here. That is when they asked if I would want to come visit them there instead of them coming here. YES!! ABSOLUTELY!!! In just 5 short weeks I will be traveling to Tel Aviv, Israel!!! Eeeeeek!!! I cannot wait for our time together! It will be incredible for Udi and Matan and their family and friends to be able to have an up close and personal part in this beautiful journey we are on. 

We had another scan and doctors appointment at 14 weeks 5 days. My doctor approved my travel to Israel and suggested that I bring my OB with me...hehe :) I just love her! My kiddos decided that they would have their own little neighborhood gender guessing game. 

We weren't sure if we would be able to see if this little lemon drop was XX or XY but we were sure hoping we could. Our sonographer took her time looking around...double, triple, quadruple checking. In her 20+ years she has never been wrong so she wasn't going to say anything unless she knew for sure. 

It's a Girl!!! 

These amazing daddies-to-be are adding a beautiful princess to their family!

Here we are 17 weeks and this precious baby girl has gone from tiny flutters to the feeling of popcorn popping in my tummy. As I sit here and type this, I have an overwhelming feeling of gratitude to have been chosen to carry this precious dream come true. I feel honored to feel these first movements and watch my belly grow while having two amazing guys to share each and every part of this journey with. There is such a big miracle in such a tiny baby girl and I am cherishing each and every moment of it.

sticky thoughts and baby dust

A new chapter of our journey began this week. After several weeks of blood draws, injections, and ultrasounds, it was time for our second embryo transfer. Leading up to this new chapter, I had mixed feelings of pure joy and feelings of fear and anxiety. This was new to me. Both of the previous transfer days, I felt nothing but excitement...my heart didn't know to feel any different. Both of those days were beautiful and perfect in everyway...but they had two completely different outcomes. I do not have any feelings of regret. It is quite the opposite to be honest with you. I feel as if my heart has learned a different kind of love and loss. I am humbled. It is a privilege to be part of each and every moment of this journey with two of the most incredible guys I have ever met. With all the love, tears, joy and sadness, brings everlasting memories that have shaped my family in remarkable ways. For this, I will be forever grateful.

In the months leading up to our second transfer, it became more clear to me that I wanted this day to be one that stands out from the first. I wanted this not only for me, but for Udi and Matan as well. They were so supportive of me seeing an acupuncturist leading up to the transfer as well as on the transfer day. Adding something new and different experience while helping us with a successful transfer.

On Wednesday, Jake and I dropped Rylon off at my parents with Jackson and Addy being picked up from school. Nana and Papa and Grandma took the kids over night and spent the day with them while I was on bed rest. They had a wonderful time creating memories with their grandparents with plenty of FaceTime throughout the day so I could see their sweet faces and hear their voices.

We went to Salt & Straw for a little ice cream before heading over to ORM. We took Udi and Matan there during their visit here last November and it was fun to reminisce about the memories that we made together when we first met almost a year ago! Once we finished up our ice cream, we FaceTimed with them and they joined us as we walked "together" to ORM! 

I arrived at ORM and my acupuncturist, Lisa Pate was there waiting for me. We chatted for a bit before being brought back for the transfer. Once I was changed, Lisa came in and placed all the needles in specific points on my body for a pre-transfer treatment.

I was required to drink 1 Liter of water 1 hour prior to my arrival time so my nurse came in to scan my bladder to ensure that it was full enough. As she is scanning, she says, "We are going to have to empty out so your bladder is not too full during the transfer." Say what??? I get to pee BEFORE the transfer? She continues, "Yes we will have you empty out 1 cup. Possibly more depending on how full you are after the needles come out." I was able to FaceTime with the guys once more time before the transfer where they could see the needles sticking out of my ears and the top of my head. We sent each other lots of love and hugs and luck for the transfer! 

Lisa returned to remove all the needles and my nurse came in to scan me once more. I think her eyes about popped out of her head when she saw how full I was. "Your bladder is bursting at the seams!" I am going to have you empty out two cups of urine." I have never had to pee and stop mid flow before so I practiced in between cups. :) It wasn't too bad after a few moments of discomfort. I was the most comfortable that I have ever been for a transfer!

I returned to my room and Dr. Bankowski came in to explain what was going to happen during the transfer. Before he headed to the OR he asks if Jake is going to suit up and come back for the transfer. I was so excited for him to be able to see what I see in there. He has been so intrigued by this whole process so this was a neat experience for him. 

When I was wheeled in, I saw Udi and Matan's beautiful embryos on the screen. Dr. Bankowski says, "The embryos have grown and expanded since this photo was taken." The embryologist then says, "The embryos have hatched completely now!!!" Those beautiful words gave me chills from my head to my toes. The transfer began, and the embryos were placed delicately in what will hopefully be their home away from home for the next 8 months!! Dr. Bankowski finishes the transfer with, "Everything went perfectly!" 

After the transfer Lisa met me back in my room to place needles in specific points on my body for post-transfer treatment. I am so thankful to have had Lisa there to share in this journey with us. She is a ray of sunshine and gave me peace and serenity on our special day.

I FaceTimed with he guys once more to share with them how everything went. They were finishing up their dinner and having a glass of wine for me! I came home to beautiful flowers on my door step from them! It was such a thoughtful and wonderful surprise!! 

I got all snuggled in for my bed rest and had a visit from my dear friend and rock star surro sister, Ashley, who gave birth to her surro babies last week! She brought me a pizookie, a yummy sticky treat that I brought her on her transfer day! She also brought each of us elephant bracelets, symbolizing hope! I cherish her friendship and am thankful that we have been able to share in each other's journeys. An incredible, once in a lifetime kind of friendship!

I couldn't of been happier to have my three little loves back in my arms. I loved all of their snuggles, cuddles and sweet conversations about Mommy carrying babies for Udi and Matan.

I think one of the most amazing differences between this transfer and our previous transfer is all of the incredible memories that we were able to create with them on our trip to Tel Aviv over the summer. I was able to get to know them more and fell in love with them and this journey even more! I was able to meet their family and friends and I love and adore each and every one of them! I am so honored to be part of their journey to happiness and to be chosen to carry their dream come true!

Udi and Matan, I am so honored to be sharing this journey with you both. You have shown our family unconditional love and support and I am so excited for what the future holds for all of us. "Everything will be amazing!" are words that will stay with me forever...beautiful words of hope and love spoken at a time when I needed to hear them the most. I love you both so much!

Our Trip of a Lifetime-Part 2

Early in the morning, on July 12, 2014 we were saying our good-byes to Shahar, Roi, Shahar's parents, Bar and Elly and Daniel. It is hard to put into words what that moment was like and almost one year later, I still can't sum it up but I am going try...that day signified the end of an incredible chapter in our Journey. My day to day interactions with Shahar would no longer be there...their family was going to go back and get settled into their family of 5 and that would be a big adjustment. I have surly missed those daily chats but I wouldn't trade it for anything in the world. Seeing the joy that Elly and Daniel have brought to their life...and sometimes having to pinch myself that I was chosen to be the person to carry their precious dreams come true still gives me chills and brings tears to my eyes.

I will never forget the emotional exchange between Shahar and I as I gave her the last hug of this chapter, watching them all go through security and then just fell apart in my husbands arms. He looked me in the eyes and told me that he would make sure I would be back there for the twins first birthday! Having a date in my mind was so healing for my hurting heart. Something so special to look forward to! It is hard to believe that this trip I have dreamed about is coming true!! I had these precious little onsies made for the twins! I can't wait to see them wearing 'em!

Never could I have imagined my heart would lead me to a second journey. It was nothing that I knew for sure would ever take place but I was willing to take a leap of faith and follow my heart, keeping it open and letting everything fall into place exactly how it was meant to. I am now blessed a second time to be apart of Udi and Matan's Journey to Happiness. I absolutely adore these two and couldn't ask for a more supportive, caring and big hearted couple to be on this journey with. We will begin another medication cycle and embryo transfer later this summer and I am so excited to see how the next year unfolds as our story continues to be written. 

I am thrilled that Jake and I will get to see BOTH of our extended families a half a world away in just TWO short weeks!! They have an amazing trip planned for us including a day at the beach with my Surro Sister and incredible friend, Ashley. How amazing is that?!?! She will be finishing up her visit with her surro babe's Mommy and Daddy, then heading back home to her family the day after we arrive!! 

We have so many wonderful memories to be made with a BIG surprise along the way! To say I am excited would be an understatement! Stay tuned!! Eeeeeek!!!

Everything will be amazing

I didn't know how or when I would be able to talk about our recent pregnancy loss but my kids have given me courage to share what is on my heart. The three of them have all handled this in their own way. My spunky little Addy sees the good in everything..."That's really sad Mommy. It's okay. We will try again and put two more babies in your tummy. I am so happy for you." Rylon gives me lots of hugs and kisses. Let's me cry and says "Maybe Daddy can buy us a funny movie so we can all laugh together." And then there is our tender hearted Jackson. As soon as he got home from school he asked how the appointment went. He knew something wasn't right and with his voice cracking asks if the baby was still in my tummy. We sat there and cried together. He is worried about Udi and Matan and how they are doing. He is upset that this kind of stuff happens. He wants to fix everything and make it all better. I am thankful to be able to share this with them. It is not easy, but we will get through it together. My beautiful children have hearts made of gold.

After having a few bumps in the road with HCG numbers not doubling initially and our doctor mentioning that "we're not out of the woods yet" at our last ultrasound, we remained hopeful but we didn't know exactly what to expect at our 9 week ultrasound. As soon as the ultrasound began, I knew something wasn't right. We couldn't see the flickering of that precious little heart. Nothing could have prepared me for that moment. There are no words to describe what it feels like to mourn the loss of someone else's baby. My heart hurts. I feel like I let Udi and Matan down. I know there is nothing we could have done to prevent this and all of these feeling are part of the healing process. The guys have been absolutely amazing and supportive through all of this. I know this is not a picture perfect journey, but is our journey and I wouldn't have it any other way. Everything happens for a reason and as the guys said to me, "Everything will be amazing."

Hope

In the midst of a very emotional week, I find myself feeling very grateful for each and every moment of this journey. The joyous times, the difficult times and everything in between. Nothing could have prepared me for the phone call I received from ORM this past Monday. Just a few days before, we were celebrating a positive hCG test result and never expected to hear that the numbers weren't doubling the way they should have. There are no words to express the wave of emotions that I was feeling. My heart hurt so bad for Udi and Matan...I hated the thought of them receiving anything but absolutely amazing news. I always strive to see the good in every situation and remind myself that everything happens for a reason, even though I may not see it in the moment. This was hard for me. I knew that no amount of tears, worry or research I did would change the outcome. I found hope in the incredible love and support that Udi and Matan have shown me. They assured me that everything will work out just the way it is supposed to and that everything will be okay, because we have each other.

The love that my husband has shown me this past week has been nothing short of amazing. His desire to learn and understand as much as possibly can has blown me away. I couldn't ask for a more incredible person to be my side through all of this.

My Surro Sister, Ashley brightened my week with a basket of sunshine. Thank you so much Ashley! You are always there to put a smile in my face and share in this crazy hormonal amazing journey with me!

As of Wednesday, my hCG levels are doubling appropriately and Dr. Bankowski is having me come in on Monday for an early ultrasound. FaceTiming with the guys yesterday gave me so much peace and calmed my anxious heart. I know that no matter what we find out tomorrow, our journey will be absolutely perfect because we have each other. This is another piece of the puzzle...our perfectly imperfect puzzle! 

The guys got me something in Jerusalem yesterday...I don't think there is any better way to finish this post than with this:

Thank you from the bottom of our hearts for all your love and support! 

We have the most amazing friends and family in the world! 

Transfer Day!

To say that the Transfer and all the love surrounding it was absolutely perfect, would be an understatement. There are no words to express the gratitude, joy and unimaginable love I am feeling!

 

When we first arrived at ORM, we checked in and anxiously awaited to be called back. Within a few minutes the door opens and I hear "Stacie?" I jumped up with excitement and off we went down the "secret hallway" of ORM, back to where the Embryo Transfers take place. I changed into my gown, hair cover and booties. When Udi and Matan were here in Portland, we went shoe shopping together. First thing I did after getting dressed was sent them this picture and said:

"My Shoes are better than your shoes!"

A quick ultrasound was done to make sure my bladder full enough then the Embryologist came in to let us know that the embryos thawed beautifully and that they look perfect! Absolutely incredible!! 

Udi and Matan were just as anxious as I was to Skype and all of us were sitting and waiting for Carrie to come in with the iPad to place the call. I got a little impatient and decided I would go ahead and call them myself! We had the BEST conversation and the moments we shared before the transfer are priceless. There was so much love and joy...I couldn't have asked for a more perfect moment to share with them. As were talking, Carrie walked in with a gift that Udi and Matan sent to the clinic for me to open on our Transfer Day! 

 

My heart just about leaped out of my chest. They are amazing in every way!!

 

 

Then Udi and Matan celebrated with a wine toast...3 glasses total. One for each of them and one for me! ❤️ Dr. Bankowski walked in to chat with all of us and then we were off to the OR for the transfer.

As they wheeled me out of my room, I layed there with my eyes closed, thinking about these two perfect, precious miracles that have already changed all of our lives in the most remarkable way. My eyes opened just as we entered the OR. It was dimly lit, soft music playing and the most beautiful, amazing photo of Udi and Matan's embryos was displayed on a screen. My heart melted. Breathtaking!

 

All I could think about was how I could not wait to tell their Daddy's how perfect their little embryos are and tell those sweet little babies how absolutely incredible their Daddy's are! 

❤️❤️❤️

 

Before the Transfer starts, my bed literally turns into a transformer. Half of the bed drops out from under me and slipper like stirrups pop up for my feet to slide in.  An ultrasound is used to guide a catheter into my Uterus and once it is in the right place, Dr. Bankowski let the Embryologist know, so she can load the embryos into a very long, narrow tube. Very delicately, she walked them out of the lab and handed them to Dr. Bankowski, where he places them in my uterus. The silence breaks with Dr. Bankowski looking up at me and saying,

 

"The transfer went perfectly!" 

 

There were no other words I wanted to hear more. A perfect transfer to add to this perfect day. An ultrasound picture was taken right after the embroys were released into just the right place. The white line is the catheter showing that the embroys were placed in the most optimal spot for implantation. Wow! Incredible!

The transformer was transformed back into my bed and I was wheeled back into the room to meet my husband. Dr. Bankowski was right behind me, letting him know that everything went well and then let me know all the follow up steps of bed rest, making sure I stay out of the gym, keeping my activity light and that he would hopefully see me in a few weeks for an ultrasound!! I am so very thankful for him and the incredible care that I have always been provided with at ORM. My IVF coordinator started out just as that, a coordinator of my IVF preparations and over the last couple years, she has also became a wonderful friend. I really couldn't imagine this journey without her. 

 

 

The 45 minutes following the transfer I layed there quietly and send the stickiest of all sticky thoughts to those beautiful little embryos and Immediately sent a message to Udi and Matan to let them know how everything went. After my last transfer, my bladder was so full that I couldn't wait the 45 minutes to get up to use the restroom. I am happy to say that this time I did not have to pee laying down into a bed pan. I waited those 45 minutes like a champ! :)

 

Once I was able to get up and empty my bladder, it was time for me to leave and start my bed rest. My chariot arrived to wheel me all the way to my car. As Jody pulled in to pick me up, she says, "It sounded like you guys had a party in here today." That we did!! The most amazing party Skype has ever seen!

 

 

On the way home from ORM we FaceTimed with Jackson who was spending the afternoon with his Grandpa and Grandma. First stop ice cream, second stop movie! Thank you Mike and Shari for loving on our big guy for us! Love love love my FaceTime kisses from my littles!

 

When we walked in the door at my Momma's, Addy and Rylon ran over to me and gently put their hands on my belly. Both of them put their lips right up to my tummy and start talking to the babies. "Hello sweet babies. Stick babies stick so you can meet your Daddy's!" Thank you Momma for taking such great care of my littles today! 

 

 

I could not ask for a more incredible man to stand by my side and provide me with unconditional love and support through this journey and through the amazing life we share together! 

 

The rest of Wednesday and all of Thursday I spent bed resting at my Momma's house. She took such good care of me; complete with delicious homemade meals! We laughed, we cried, and we made some wonderful memories together! Thank you so much Momma!!

 

 

My Surro Sister, Ashley (who happens to have her first Beta Blood test TODAY!!!) came over and brought me a super sticky, delicious Pizookie! She is the sweetest and I am so grateful to be sharing this journey with her. I can't wait to get back in the gym sporting these with our growing bellies!!

 

 

Thursday I was able to Skype with Matan and I even got to meet his brother!! I love that even from a half a world apart, we are able to share in this journey and be a part of each other's lives. It's so amazing!!

 

I spent the rest of the day doing school work and being spoiled rotten with fresh pineapple and strawberries and wonderful conversations with my Momma!

 

Kalee arrived with some coffee, a gift (note the green and yellow she purchased with her own money!! I knew she was a duck fan at heart!)  She layed around with me and we just talked, cried the happiest of tears and just enjoyed our time together! Thank you Kalee for always being there! 

 

My Momma and Kalee had some fun with duck tape and a sharpie!

 

And a my second pizookie (the sticky power of two pizookies for two babies!)

Pizookie time with my Momma and Todd!

 

I am so excited to see what lies ahead for our journey! A blood test will be done next Friday. I cannot imagine what Udi and Matan are feeling right now. Together we will wait and be hopeful that their little miracles are nuzzling their way in! ❤️

 

 

Udi and Matan, I absolutely love and adore the both of you. I am so thankful to have you in my life. I am blessed beyond belief that you've chosen me to carry your precious dreams come true. 

XOXO